No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
