I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I deserve this hangover.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize