I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
