I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
