I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
This is the high leading the old right now
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
