To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
