i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
