There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
