I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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