Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
