I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
