How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
