dude i'm inner monologue high
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
