You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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