Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize