Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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