I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
