it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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