he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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