Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
