went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
did i walk over a car last night?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize