Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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