he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Randomize
