I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
