New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
