Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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