I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
