So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
