I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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