i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
