I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize