is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
