finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
