You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
