I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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