I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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