If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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