I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
