some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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