Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
