i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
