apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
