You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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