so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
