nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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