when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
