I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
