remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
