it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
