So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
