you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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