why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
