she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Randomize
