sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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