Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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