Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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