dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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