all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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