So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
